Episode 39 - Conan the Destroyer
Tucker and Jeff discuss 1984's Conan the Destroyer and countdown their top five worst roles in which to cast Grace Jones, and the top five best roles to cast Grace Jones in. It's a good time.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
The Weirdo - a spoiler review from Tucker
The Weirdo (1989)
A Spoiler Review
from Tucker
This classic opens with a retarded guy named Donny carrying a bag through a sparsely wooded area where he encounters one of those '80s gangs that look like charter members of the Loverboy fan club. They harass him and make him "play dog" which consists of almost strangling him with a leash, then leading him to a stream and nearly drowning him. Good, clean fun. It's hard to feel sympathy for Donny, however, because of his futile attempts at 'tard acting. Donny makes his way back to the shack behind an old lady's house where he dwells and answers, much like Pavlov's dogs, to a bell the lady rings when she needs his assistance. The old lady describes Donny to her new, hot, young lady tenant in terms fit for a Mogwai. "Be careful the way you move", she warns as Donny is frightened by sudden movements. "Never raise your voice", she continues, as Donny may become violent. BUT!, she asserts, Donny is NOT dangerous, and even though his estranged mother hates him, Donny is "happy the way he is...at least he thinks so." Fair enough. The new renter then heads upstairs where she draws a bath while humming one song along with another on the soundtrack and being overly amused by the bubbles she's adding off-screen. It's very strange and uncomfortable. Then we see Donny peeping on the bathing beauty which foreshadows the increasingly rapey vibe he gives off. At this point Donny meets Jenny. I'm not sure if Jenny is also 'tarded, but I think so. They're both so incredibly inept in their "Other Sister"ness that it's hard to tell. She wears a leg brace and they take a mutual shine to one another. She gives him a handkerchief which he takes home and seemingly jerks-off into. Young 'tard love ensues.
Jenny and Donny go on a 'tard date where they eat cheese, stop by a flea market to pretend a stuffed, plush banana is a phone, then head to a local diner where Donny uses his money to treat them to two Cokes. The diner owner offers day-old apple turnovers. This excites the 'tards as Jenny declares "I love apple. One of my favorites". After they eat some of it they get up and run out of the diner, and I'm not sure why. Maybe I missed something, but I like to think that maybe it's just ridiculous.
The old lady that keeps Donny in the shack asks him to take a box of clothes and shit to the good Reverend Cummings, but on his way he runs into the Loverboy gang who stab his box and then seem to maybe (?) stab Donny, but then Jenny comes along and helps him to the church where she has a conversation with the Reverend where he warns her about Donny then proceeds to put the moves on the poor 'tarded girl. Donny gets mad and pushes the Rev. then smacks the wall in frustration. At this point it's still not clear where this movie is going. Is he gonna get all rapey? Is the gang going to become more of the focus? No one knows. Perhaps it's just another retarded romance like The Other Sister or Pearl Harbor.
Jenny offers Donny some orange juice. "Orange juice?", he asks as if it's outrageous, or simply out of their price range. "It's water. I just pretend it's orange juice", Jenny explains. This doesn't really further the plot, but it illustrates the .22 caliber screenwriting. Then Jenny kisses Donny and he gets all rapey again, but she sets him straight. Then the simp gang shows up at some shacks that may or may not be near Donny's shack where they proceed to play grab-ass with an awesome '80s chick to gets one of the mulletards down on the ground and tickles him. Then they go into one of the shacks and after 45 long minutes, there's some boobs, then a fade to black, then a fade up on them zipping up their pants. Unbeknownst to them, Donny's been watching with baited, rapey breath the whole time. After their pants are on (she remains topless), they predictably establish that she was not satisfied, then the gang inexplicably leaves the girl there. She sees Donny, invites him over, lets him touch her breast, then struggles when he gets all rapey. They get into a bitchy little slap tiff and Donny goes home.
Back at the shack Jenny finally says it's okay to fuck her and there's an oddly slow, sultry, and dare I say, classy 'tard sex scene. At this point I'm assuming this movie is about against the odds 'tard love, but it is NOT! Donny's old lady sends him to his mother's house where she drinks and cuts angel food cake with a meat cleaver, then proceeds to drop the bombshell that Donny's father is no ordinary father, but actually his Uncle Eddie. Then she says she's going to hold him for 'tard ransom or something, which I'm not entirely sure how that works or from who she'll keep him, but point is he tries to leave. She pulls out a 'tard strap and whips the floor around him. He takes the strap and actually hits the "actress" with it, then worriedly picks up the meat cleaver and bluntly cuts her head off. This is where the movie gets weird...er.
Donny stuffs the head in a trash bag and hides when a man comes to the door carrying a straight jacket. The man finds Donny and the body and decides they must bury Donny's mother. Eventually Donny gets excited and murders the man with a shovel to the neck. Next, Donny goes to the church and murders the Mrs. Cummings by impaling her with a cross, then kills Reverend Cummings by strangling him with Christmas lights.
When Donny finally gets back home the old lady he lives with drops the most superfluous bombshell in film history. Turns out, she's his aunt. I don't know why this is important to the story, or why this would even bother Donny, or why it was a secret in the first place, but Donny kills her by burning her face which makes her look like Al Jolson in The Jazz Singer. The Loverboy gang finds out what's happening and seems to yell FOREVER. When they confront Donny, 1 hour and 27 minutes in, his 'tard strength finally emerges as he fights them off, stabs one in the neck and cuts off his hands. At this point this movie has become everything The Other Sister should have been.
Some straight-laced townsfolk form the world's lamest vigilante mob and chase him around while he tries to convince Jenny to leave him and save herself. Being so loyal to Donny, it takes a good 'tard punch to get her to leave, and when she does the townsfolk immediately beat Donny with clubs until he is a bloody mess. Jenny sees the aftermath in the wooded area where Donny's body lay. Then, from nowhere, a mother and her son come walking through the "woods". She's berating the child and eventually threatens to kill the boy. I'm not even exaggerating. This mother blatantly says "I'm going to kill you". I may be paraphrasing, but the result is "I'm going to kill you". Jenny yells to the heavens "Why can't people be nice to one another?" I know, I know, the perfect ending, right? But, there's more.
We fade to black, then come back up on Jenny leading a cop to Donny's corpse, but when they get there Donny is gone. Only his bloody jacket remains. The cop queries "Where's the body?" Jenny, realizing Donny is still alive, smiles and backs away nervously as if she can just coyly walk away from the officer without any further questioning. This is the most retarded thing she's done in the whole film. With that the movie ends. Like the entire film, it's a moment that must be witnessed to fully understand the true absurdity of it all. And I did see it. And it was good.
Jenny and Donny go on a 'tard date where they eat cheese, stop by a flea market to pretend a stuffed, plush banana is a phone, then head to a local diner where Donny uses his money to treat them to two Cokes. The diner owner offers day-old apple turnovers. This excites the 'tards as Jenny declares "I love apple. One of my favorites". After they eat some of it they get up and run out of the diner, and I'm not sure why. Maybe I missed something, but I like to think that maybe it's just ridiculous.
The old lady that keeps Donny in the shack asks him to take a box of clothes and shit to the good Reverend Cummings, but on his way he runs into the Loverboy gang who stab his box and then seem to maybe (?) stab Donny, but then Jenny comes along and helps him to the church where she has a conversation with the Reverend where he warns her about Donny then proceeds to put the moves on the poor 'tarded girl. Donny gets mad and pushes the Rev. then smacks the wall in frustration. At this point it's still not clear where this movie is going. Is he gonna get all rapey? Is the gang going to become more of the focus? No one knows. Perhaps it's just another retarded romance like The Other Sister or Pearl Harbor.
Jenny offers Donny some orange juice. "Orange juice?", he asks as if it's outrageous, or simply out of their price range. "It's water. I just pretend it's orange juice", Jenny explains. This doesn't really further the plot, but it illustrates the .22 caliber screenwriting. Then Jenny kisses Donny and he gets all rapey again, but she sets him straight. Then the simp gang shows up at some shacks that may or may not be near Donny's shack where they proceed to play grab-ass with an awesome '80s chick to gets one of the mulletards down on the ground and tickles him. Then they go into one of the shacks and after 45 long minutes, there's some boobs, then a fade to black, then a fade up on them zipping up their pants. Unbeknownst to them, Donny's been watching with baited, rapey breath the whole time. After their pants are on (she remains topless), they predictably establish that she was not satisfied, then the gang inexplicably leaves the girl there. She sees Donny, invites him over, lets him touch her breast, then struggles when he gets all rapey. They get into a bitchy little slap tiff and Donny goes home.
Back at the shack Jenny finally says it's okay to fuck her and there's an oddly slow, sultry, and dare I say, classy 'tard sex scene. At this point I'm assuming this movie is about against the odds 'tard love, but it is NOT! Donny's old lady sends him to his mother's house where she drinks and cuts angel food cake with a meat cleaver, then proceeds to drop the bombshell that Donny's father is no ordinary father, but actually his Uncle Eddie. Then she says she's going to hold him for 'tard ransom or something, which I'm not entirely sure how that works or from who she'll keep him, but point is he tries to leave. She pulls out a 'tard strap and whips the floor around him. He takes the strap and actually hits the "actress" with it, then worriedly picks up the meat cleaver and bluntly cuts her head off. This is where the movie gets weird...er.
Donny stuffs the head in a trash bag and hides when a man comes to the door carrying a straight jacket. The man finds Donny and the body and decides they must bury Donny's mother. Eventually Donny gets excited and murders the man with a shovel to the neck. Next, Donny goes to the church and murders the Mrs. Cummings by impaling her with a cross, then kills Reverend Cummings by strangling him with Christmas lights.
When Donny finally gets back home the old lady he lives with drops the most superfluous bombshell in film history. Turns out, she's his aunt. I don't know why this is important to the story, or why this would even bother Donny, or why it was a secret in the first place, but Donny kills her by burning her face which makes her look like Al Jolson in The Jazz Singer. The Loverboy gang finds out what's happening and seems to yell FOREVER. When they confront Donny, 1 hour and 27 minutes in, his 'tard strength finally emerges as he fights them off, stabs one in the neck and cuts off his hands. At this point this movie has become everything The Other Sister should have been.
Some straight-laced townsfolk form the world's lamest vigilante mob and chase him around while he tries to convince Jenny to leave him and save herself. Being so loyal to Donny, it takes a good 'tard punch to get her to leave, and when she does the townsfolk immediately beat Donny with clubs until he is a bloody mess. Jenny sees the aftermath in the wooded area where Donny's body lay. Then, from nowhere, a mother and her son come walking through the "woods". She's berating the child and eventually threatens to kill the boy. I'm not even exaggerating. This mother blatantly says "I'm going to kill you". I may be paraphrasing, but the result is "I'm going to kill you". Jenny yells to the heavens "Why can't people be nice to one another?" I know, I know, the perfect ending, right? But, there's more.
We fade to black, then come back up on Jenny leading a cop to Donny's corpse, but when they get there Donny is gone. Only his bloody jacket remains. The cop queries "Where's the body?" Jenny, realizing Donny is still alive, smiles and backs away nervously as if she can just coyly walk away from the officer without any further questioning. This is the most retarded thing she's done in the whole film. With that the movie ends. Like the entire film, it's a moment that must be witnessed to fully understand the true absurdity of it all. And I did see it. And it was good.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Episode 38 - Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo
Episode 38 - Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo
Jeff "Boogaloo Shrimp" Brown and Tucker "Shabadoo" Battrell take on the breakdance classic and countdown their top five movie dance scenes.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Watch Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo on YouTube!
Hello, listeners! Just wanted to drop a quick note to let you know that you can watch Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo in its entirety on YouTube. Here's the link! Check it out and share with us your five favorite movie dance scenes. Talk to you soon! Enjoy!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Episode 36 - Real Genius
Episode 36 - Real Genius
Top Five Oddball/Geniuses. Mom reviews Real Genius and The Woman!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
This Coleslaw Archives: Coach (1978)
The following review is from Tucker's old blog This Coleslaw Makes Me Sick. In an attempt to simplify their web presence, Tucker, Jeff and other contributor's writings will be periodically transferred to the If We Made It Podcast blog. Of course the old blog still exists, but Tucker never looks at it and neither does anyone else.
There are certain conventions we expect to see when we enter a comedy with a simple plot that seems to promise little more than a few laughs and some naked flesh. I expected these conventions from Coach based only on the trailer and poster. And even though said conventions were there, I can't say they paid off, and I also can't say I was disappointed. This feature actually became the highlight of the film.
This movie has the plot of Wildcats without any of the structure, drama or comedy. Coach has so little to recommend it that I feel I must. The film follows an Olympic gold medalist named Randy Rawlings who is hired sight unseen because of her credentials and masculine name to coach a high school basketball coach. When she arrives the laughably sexist principal played by Keenan Wynn (Willard "Digger" Barnes to me and any other Dallas fans) attempts to put his foot down, but Randy makes a deal that he can fire her after the first game she loses. He accepts the challenge and tries to sabotage her. This is all well and good and in line with my expectations. This should play out in some cliched, yet pleasing way and the audience will go home satisfied. It doesn't.
Randy also falls for one of her players played by a young, baby faced Michael Biehn. They begin a love affair that includes a tryst in the boys shower room where they're almost busted by a custodian. This seems very in appropriate (and awesome) and we, the audience, just know they'll be found out and it will jeopardize her coaching duties, but eventually it will all work out somehow. That doesn't happen either. Instead this is a movie where no lessons are learned, there is no right from wrong and no rule that can't be broken, and just when you think the game is up, the movie ends. Pretty awesome.
There are a few boobs, the campfire song director Bud Townsend obviously has a hard-on for appears here and again in his own The Beach Girls, and a hypnotized white kid who apparently thinks black people are monsters. That's all I'll say for fear of ruining it for any interested parties. That, and there is a song about how kick-ass their high school is that plays over the climactic game that must be heard. I admit I laughed more at this movie as a whole than in individual spots, but it was definitely worth every minute.
Movie Review: Coach (1978)
Lovingly enjoyed by Tucker
Lovingly enjoyed by Tucker
There are certain conventions we expect to see when we enter a comedy with a simple plot that seems to promise little more than a few laughs and some naked flesh. I expected these conventions from Coach based only on the trailer and poster. And even though said conventions were there, I can't say they paid off, and I also can't say I was disappointed. This feature actually became the highlight of the film.
This movie has the plot of Wildcats without any of the structure, drama or comedy. Coach has so little to recommend it that I feel I must. The film follows an Olympic gold medalist named Randy Rawlings who is hired sight unseen because of her credentials and masculine name to coach a high school basketball coach. When she arrives the laughably sexist principal played by Keenan Wynn (Willard "Digger" Barnes to me and any other Dallas fans) attempts to put his foot down, but Randy makes a deal that he can fire her after the first game she loses. He accepts the challenge and tries to sabotage her. This is all well and good and in line with my expectations. This should play out in some cliched, yet pleasing way and the audience will go home satisfied. It doesn't.
Randy also falls for one of her players played by a young, baby faced Michael Biehn. They begin a love affair that includes a tryst in the boys shower room where they're almost busted by a custodian. This seems very in appropriate (and awesome) and we, the audience, just know they'll be found out and it will jeopardize her coaching duties, but eventually it will all work out somehow. That doesn't happen either. Instead this is a movie where no lessons are learned, there is no right from wrong and no rule that can't be broken, and just when you think the game is up, the movie ends. Pretty awesome.
There are a few boobs, the campfire song director Bud Townsend obviously has a hard-on for appears here and again in his own The Beach Girls, and a hypnotized white kid who apparently thinks black people are monsters. That's all I'll say for fear of ruining it for any interested parties. That, and there is a song about how kick-ass their high school is that plays over the climactic game that must be heard. I admit I laughed more at this movie as a whole than in individual spots, but it was definitely worth every minute.
Grade: F
Entertainment Value: B-
Entertainment Value: B-
See Tucker's Coach review in its natural habitat: Coach!
Monday, March 5, 2012
This Coleslaw Archives: The Beach Girls (1982)
The following review is from Tucker's old blog This Coleslaw Makes Me Sick. In an attempt to simplify their web presence, Tucker, Jeff and other contributor's writings will be periodically transferred to the If We Made It Podcast blog. Of course the old blog still exists, but Tucker never looks at it and neither does anyone else.
Perhaps it was my early exposure to the late Bob Clark's classic Porky'sthanks to a rebellious teenage babysitter, or maybe it's just nostalgia for the era in which I grew up, but whatever the reason the fact remains that I am hopelessly infatuated with trash from the eighties. Now, I love trash of any and all decades, but there is something special about Reagan-era garbage, especially when it comes to that staple of late-night HBO programming: The Sex Comedy. The Beach Girls is an overlooked (perhaps rightly so) film that doesn't pretend to be anything other than what it is.
The film gets off to a great start with a slow-motion credit sequence featuring girls running, jumping, playing Frisbee, and just generally flopping about on the beach. After this glorious opening we meet Sarah who is on her way to her Uncle Carl's beach house for the summer. And we're soon making the acquaintance of Sarah's friends Ginger and Duckiewho are meeting her there for what's sure to be the greatest summer ever. What ensues upon their arrival is simply a party; a party populated by horny guys and topless girls. Now, that's story enough for several movies, but The Beach Girls is not skimping on the extras. We've got the girls finding six trash bags of pot on the beach dumped by drug dealers with eye patches they don't need evading a boat filled with nearly retarded Coast guardsmen. If that wasn't drama enough, Uncle Carl comes home and wants Ginger and Duckie to leave, so they must "convince" him to let them stay. All this and a racist fight scene between the Mexican gardener and an Asian chauffeur make for ninety-some minutes of good, wholesome family fun.
This movie is light, superfluous and is trying to say absolutely nothing. Well, maybe it's pro-breast, pro-pot and anti-Coast Guard, but that's as deep as it gets, and I for one say bully! It's good to see something sounselfconscious and not politically correct in any way, shape or form, yet not malicious in the least. This is the remedy to Paul Haggis. It seems when I was growing up the adults were always talking about "simpler times", but from an entertainment standpoint it didn't get any simpler than this. There's boobs, bad jokes, boobs, a silly campfire song used in this film and in director Bud Townsend's other film Coach, and lots of boobs. This movie delivers on the boobs. There's even some brief full frontal. In short, this is a movie with nudity in it.
Movie Review: The Beach Girls (1982)
By Tucker Battrell
Perhaps it was my early exposure to the late Bob Clark's classic Porky'sthanks to a rebellious teenage babysitter, or maybe it's just nostalgia for the era in which I grew up, but whatever the reason the fact remains that I am hopelessly infatuated with trash from the eighties. Now, I love trash of any and all decades, but there is something special about Reagan-era garbage, especially when it comes to that staple of late-night HBO programming: The Sex Comedy. The Beach Girls is an overlooked (perhaps rightly so) film that doesn't pretend to be anything other than what it is.
The film gets off to a great start with a slow-motion credit sequence featuring girls running, jumping, playing Frisbee, and just generally flopping about on the beach. After this glorious opening we meet Sarah who is on her way to her Uncle Carl's beach house for the summer. And we're soon making the acquaintance of Sarah's friends Ginger and Duckiewho are meeting her there for what's sure to be the greatest summer ever. What ensues upon their arrival is simply a party; a party populated by horny guys and topless girls. Now, that's story enough for several movies, but The Beach Girls is not skimping on the extras. We've got the girls finding six trash bags of pot on the beach dumped by drug dealers with eye patches they don't need evading a boat filled with nearly retarded Coast guardsmen. If that wasn't drama enough, Uncle Carl comes home and wants Ginger and Duckie to leave, so they must "convince" him to let them stay. All this and a racist fight scene between the Mexican gardener and an Asian chauffeur make for ninety-some minutes of good, wholesome family fun.
This movie is light, superfluous and is trying to say absolutely nothing. Well, maybe it's pro-breast, pro-pot and anti-Coast Guard, but that's as deep as it gets, and I for one say bully! It's good to see something sounselfconscious and not politically correct in any way, shape or form, yet not malicious in the least. This is the remedy to Paul Haggis. It seems when I was growing up the adults were always talking about "simpler times", but from an entertainment standpoint it didn't get any simpler than this. There's boobs, bad jokes, boobs, a silly campfire song used in this film and in director Bud Townsend's other film Coach, and lots of boobs. This movie delivers on the boobs. There's even some brief full frontal. In short, this is a movie with nudity in it.
Grade: F
Entertainment Value: B
Entertainment Value: B
See this review in its natural habitat: Beach Girls
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Episode 35 - Maniac (1980)
Episode 35 - Maniac (1980)
Jeff and Tucker watch Maniac and countdown their favorite Savini deaths. This episode is no longer available on iTunes, but it is available to download through Mediafire. Here's the link:
Download: Episode 35 - Maniac
Also, check out Final Girl Film Club! You can find all sorts of Maniac talk over there. It's really very cool. Here's the link: Final Girl Film Club : Maniac
Download: Episode 35 - Maniac
Also, check out Final Girl Film Club! You can find all sorts of Maniac talk over there. It's really very cool. Here's the link: Final Girl Film Club : Maniac
This Coleslaw Archives: Columbo - "Prescription: Murder" (1968)
If We Made It Podcast contributor Mrak! gave this great review of the first Columbo to This Coleslaw Makes Me Sick. We are pleased to present it here for your reading pleasure. Thanks Mrak!
This first installment of “Columbo” is interesting for a number of reasons. 7 reasons actually:
1. It’s the first appearance of Lt. Columbo, which is awesome. Columbo’s character changes in interesting ways from Mystery Movie to
Mystery Movie, but it never gets better than in this one. In future Mystery Movies he may be more brilliant, funnier, and sometimes even delightfully strange, but in this first appearance he is funny and strong and mysterious, all without theatricality. Peter Falk just meanders about quietly, establishing the mythic character with almost no effort. As the movie progresses, you slowly get the sense that Columbo is much more than what he seems, and I can imagine audiences like myself seeing him for the first time and getting excited as it goes on, realizing this unassuming guy is concealing his identity as the fucking Nobel laureate of detection.
I’m also going to venture to say, even though I don’t have any evidence, that this is the first ever movie mystery where there is no mystery. For those of you who haven’t seen a Columbo, this is how all of the movies are (with one exception I think), and one of the things that makes it unique. Rather than a whodunit, it’s a how-catch’em, as they say. First you watch the murder take place, you see everything that happens and who did what, then you watch Columbo figure it out.
So the typical mystery formula is skewed and made fresh, and it’s interesting to note that “Prescription: Murder” is based on a stageplay of the same name, written by the same guys that did the play.
2. The murderer explicitly describes the character of Lt. Columbo, almost like he’s talking to the writers of future movies about how to proceed. It happens late in the movie, as Columbo gets closer and closer to nailing his ass. He’s a psychiatrist who fancies himself an intellectual behemoth, and he laughingly describes Columbo as a genius of detective work, in so many words, and goes on to reveal just about every element of Columbo that makes him Columbo. I’d repeat the
monologue here, but it’s more fun to watch it. Columbo just says something like, “I gotta say, doc, I think you got me figured pretty good.”
3. Columbo is emotional, a quality which is sometimes lost in later movies. There is a scene in which he interrogates the murderer’s young female accomplice and basically starts screaming at her. I think he even makes her cry. But this movie gives Columbo some leeway in a lot of areas, which I like. There was no formula just yet.
4. Columbo’s bumbling is minimal and endearing rather than hilarious, and you get the sense that he can turn it on or off and use it as a tool. You get the feeling that his mannerisms are a genuine element of his personality, so it's not an act, but they don't overshadow his brilliance, which happens occasionally in later movies.
5. Peter Falk’s hair is short and neat. This is related to number 4 and may seem like a small point, but Columbo’s future persona becomes almost entirely anchored by his disheveled appearance, sometimes reaching almost clownish proportions in his wild uncombed head, overly wrinkled raincoat and basically broken Peugeot (“That’s a French car!”). But here it is just a small function of his blue collar nature, which I actually prefer, despite the comic potential of villains mistaking him for a homeless man, which thankfully happens more than once.
6. The title sequence is great and unusual. It’s a nifty little animation involving blooming Rorschach tests, and has a quality musical theme to go with it. Most future movies get lazy and just have a large yellow font that says Columbo, and then the title of the movie, which comforts me, but I can't say it's very fun.
7. Nearly every piece of the Columbo formula is established here. The how-catch’em structure, the intellectual cat-and-mouse, the tense
rapport between Columbo and murderer, the series of small incongruent details that leads eventually to a nifty “gotcha” moment, and most importantly, the various elements that make up the lovable savant detective, Lt. Columbo: The raincoat, the cigar, the villain’s underestimation of him, his thoughtful shuffle, the trademark line “Just one more thing” (though he rarely says it just like that), the sense of a blue-collar victory over the amoral ruling class (which I may write about here in the future) and a host of other details that recur in just about every Columbo movie to come.
Columbo review: “Prescription: Murder” (1968)
by Mrak!
by Mrak!
This first installment of “Columbo” is interesting for a number of reasons. 7 reasons actually:
1. It’s the first appearance of Lt. Columbo, which is awesome. Columbo’s character changes in interesting ways from Mystery Movie to
Mystery Movie, but it never gets better than in this one. In future Mystery Movies he may be more brilliant, funnier, and sometimes even delightfully strange, but in this first appearance he is funny and strong and mysterious, all without theatricality. Peter Falk just meanders about quietly, establishing the mythic character with almost no effort. As the movie progresses, you slowly get the sense that Columbo is much more than what he seems, and I can imagine audiences like myself seeing him for the first time and getting excited as it goes on, realizing this unassuming guy is concealing his identity as the fucking Nobel laureate of detection.
I’m also going to venture to say, even though I don’t have any evidence, that this is the first ever movie mystery where there is no mystery. For those of you who haven’t seen a Columbo, this is how all of the movies are (with one exception I think), and one of the things that makes it unique. Rather than a whodunit, it’s a how-catch’em, as they say. First you watch the murder take place, you see everything that happens and who did what, then you watch Columbo figure it out.
So the typical mystery formula is skewed and made fresh, and it’s interesting to note that “Prescription: Murder” is based on a stageplay of the same name, written by the same guys that did the play.
2. The murderer explicitly describes the character of Lt. Columbo, almost like he’s talking to the writers of future movies about how to proceed. It happens late in the movie, as Columbo gets closer and closer to nailing his ass. He’s a psychiatrist who fancies himself an intellectual behemoth, and he laughingly describes Columbo as a genius of detective work, in so many words, and goes on to reveal just about every element of Columbo that makes him Columbo. I’d repeat the
monologue here, but it’s more fun to watch it. Columbo just says something like, “I gotta say, doc, I think you got me figured pretty good.”
3. Columbo is emotional, a quality which is sometimes lost in later movies. There is a scene in which he interrogates the murderer’s young female accomplice and basically starts screaming at her. I think he even makes her cry. But this movie gives Columbo some leeway in a lot of areas, which I like. There was no formula just yet.
4. Columbo’s bumbling is minimal and endearing rather than hilarious, and you get the sense that he can turn it on or off and use it as a tool. You get the feeling that his mannerisms are a genuine element of his personality, so it's not an act, but they don't overshadow his brilliance, which happens occasionally in later movies.
5. Peter Falk’s hair is short and neat. This is related to number 4 and may seem like a small point, but Columbo’s future persona becomes almost entirely anchored by his disheveled appearance, sometimes reaching almost clownish proportions in his wild uncombed head, overly wrinkled raincoat and basically broken Peugeot (“That’s a French car!”). But here it is just a small function of his blue collar nature, which I actually prefer, despite the comic potential of villains mistaking him for a homeless man, which thankfully happens more than once.
6. The title sequence is great and unusual. It’s a nifty little animation involving blooming Rorschach tests, and has a quality musical theme to go with it. Most future movies get lazy and just have a large yellow font that says Columbo, and then the title of the movie, which comforts me, but I can't say it's very fun.
7. Nearly every piece of the Columbo formula is established here. The how-catch’em structure, the intellectual cat-and-mouse, the tense
rapport between Columbo and murderer, the series of small incongruent details that leads eventually to a nifty “gotcha” moment, and most importantly, the various elements that make up the lovable savant detective, Lt. Columbo: The raincoat, the cigar, the villain’s underestimation of him, his thoughtful shuffle, the trademark line “Just one more thing” (though he rarely says it just like that), the sense of a blue-collar victory over the amoral ruling class (which I may write about here in the future) and a host of other details that recur in just about every Columbo movie to come.
Columbo: "Prescription: Murder": 4 1/2 out of 5 More Things
See Mrak!'s review over at This Coleslaw Makes Me Sick: Columbo: Prescription Murder
Friday, March 2, 2012
This Coleslaw Archives: Conquest (1983)
The following review is from Tucker's old blog This Coleslaw Makes Me Sick. In an attempt to simplify their web presence, Tucker, Jeff and other contributor's writings will be periodically transferred to the If We Made It Podcast blog. Of course the old blog still exists, but Tucker never looks at it and neither does anyone else.
Conquest (1983) aka La Conquista
Lovingly observed by Tucker
Lovingly observed by Tucker
This Coleslaw Archives: Hostel Part II (2007) by Jeff and Tucker
The following review is from Tucker's old blog This Coleslaw Makes Me Sick. In an attempt to simplify their web presence, Tucker, Jeff and other contributor's writings will be periodically transferred to the If We Made It Podcast blog. Of course the old blog still exists, but Tucker never looks at it and neither does anyone else.
Hostel Part II (2007)
Opening argument by Jeff
I like Eli Roth. Cabin Fever was promising and showed the fun, fast side of horror films that I enjoy so much. The "Thanksgiving" trailer on Grindhouse is a perfect example of what I like about Roth. He knows how to make horror fun again. The first Hostel had those qualities. Although the the movie's torture premise is as dark as it gets, the film was handled with a sense of excitement. It had what I like about good horror movies. Goofy youngsters embark on a sex party vacation and then get slaughtered in crazy ways. It worked for me. Now, on to part 2.
Hostel 2 took whatever was fun, over the top, and thrilling about the idea behind Hostel and did the opposite. I am glad Roth did not just re-do Hostel, but this sequel is unnecessary. The film's main objective is to show the perspective of the torturers that were relatively mysterious in the first film. The idea is that there is an underground society that kidnaps youngsters and sells them to the highest bidder to be tortured and killed. OK premise for one slasher, not two. Roth gets much more serious in this film and tries to convince his audience that this premise is really intriguing and powerful. It's not. It's a hook. It's nothing more than a simple idea to show some gore and that's fine with me. What is not fine is pretending that this idea is more than it is. There were moments in Hostel 2 where Roth did have fun. The soccer scene at the end was hilarious and I enjoyed a few of his stylistic choices. But, unlike the first, the film's victims--girls this time--were typical and boring. His focus on the murderer characters did not interest me. This film will only work if you totally buy into the premise. I don't want to take my horror movies seriously unless they deserve it. This story does not.
Roth has the ability to bring a lot to the horror movie genre and I am sure he will make more movies I will love. He has a good idea of how to make horror films exciting, but he took a step back with Hostel 2. The several moments of fun (mostly the last ten minutes of the film), made the film not a total waste, but a disappointment for me. Horror movie killers are usually much more interesting when they are left to be mysterious. Bad idea for a film. So, Tucker, bring on the debate.
Hostel 2 took whatever was fun, over the top, and thrilling about the idea behind Hostel and did the opposite. I am glad Roth did not just re-do Hostel, but this sequel is unnecessary. The film's main objective is to show the perspective of the torturers that were relatively mysterious in the first film. The idea is that there is an underground society that kidnaps youngsters and sells them to the highest bidder to be tortured and killed. OK premise for one slasher, not two. Roth gets much more serious in this film and tries to convince his audience that this premise is really intriguing and powerful. It's not. It's a hook. It's nothing more than a simple idea to show some gore and that's fine with me. What is not fine is pretending that this idea is more than it is. There were moments in Hostel 2 where Roth did have fun. The soccer scene at the end was hilarious and I enjoyed a few of his stylistic choices. But, unlike the first, the film's victims--girls this time--were typical and boring. His focus on the murderer characters did not interest me. This film will only work if you totally buy into the premise. I don't want to take my horror movies seriously unless they deserve it. This story does not.
Roth has the ability to bring a lot to the horror movie genre and I am sure he will make more movies I will love. He has a good idea of how to make horror films exciting, but he took a step back with Hostel 2. The several moments of fun (mostly the last ten minutes of the film), made the film not a total waste, but a disappointment for me. Horror movie killers are usually much more interesting when they are left to be mysterious. Bad idea for a film. So, Tucker, bring on the debate.
Rebuttal by Tucker
Hostel and its sequel Hostel part 2 are very much of their time. Just as horror films of the past have held a mirror up to society to show us all the ugliness that terrifies us about the world in which we live, so do theHostel films. The first film dealt with the fear we as Americans feel with regards to world travel post-Iraq. We are told that the rest of the world hates us and these mysterious lands are filled with people who want to kill us and writer/director Eli Roth exploits this very effectively. The victims of the first film are also not very sympathetic which I think worked for the film. These young men partake in all the sex and drugs they can buy. In this place where every vice is for sale they are quickly turned into the ultimate product when they are kidnapped and sold for murder and torture. Whether we are ugly Americans or not, that may be how the rest of the world sees us and that's what makes them sympathetic. This and the torture scenes reminiscent of Abu Ghraib make the first film an important one for the horror genre that should stand the test of time.
Hostel part 2 picks up where the first left off and is truly a second half to that film. This time a trio of girls are duped into coming to the Hostel and offered up to the highest bidder to be tortured and murdered. This is the typical horror movie half of the film but where the film really comes to life is when Roth examines the inner workings of the company providing this grisly service. We follow two American businessman through the process of purchasing and preparing to kill these girls. They are two models of American emasculation. Richard Burgi plays Todd as an over-macho, overzealous deal-maker while his partner Stuart is sympathetically portrayed by Roger Bart as a timid, apprehensive follower. What makes Stuart so scary is that he is likable and our first instinct is to ask why he's there in the first place. The obvious answer is that he is going along with his buddy, but that's too easy and not realistic. There is something at work in Stuart that is much more menacing than his friend's brio; something that has driven him to this extreme moment of violence.
And the violence is horrific. Roth knows what his audience wants and he delivers plenty of blood and guts as well as a nod to gore-hounds with a clever cameo from Ruggero Deodato directer of Cannibal Holocaust. Roth gives us all the horror movie staples. There's boobs, bush, peen, decapitations, nose-biting, cannibalism, castration, circular saw to the face, nub-chewing cat, penis-eating dog, head soccer, child killing, bloodbath, grotesque sound effects during scythe killing, and a scythe killing. All this and some social commentary for the nerds.
While the first Hostel may have worked better as a straight horror film the sequel puts us in the position of caring about a villain. Hostel played upon our fear of the other while Hostel part 2 exposes those fears as ourselves.
Hostel part 2 picks up where the first left off and is truly a second half to that film. This time a trio of girls are duped into coming to the Hostel and offered up to the highest bidder to be tortured and murdered. This is the typical horror movie half of the film but where the film really comes to life is when Roth examines the inner workings of the company providing this grisly service. We follow two American businessman through the process of purchasing and preparing to kill these girls. They are two models of American emasculation. Richard Burgi plays Todd as an over-macho, overzealous deal-maker while his partner Stuart is sympathetically portrayed by Roger Bart as a timid, apprehensive follower. What makes Stuart so scary is that he is likable and our first instinct is to ask why he's there in the first place. The obvious answer is that he is going along with his buddy, but that's too easy and not realistic. There is something at work in Stuart that is much more menacing than his friend's brio; something that has driven him to this extreme moment of violence.
And the violence is horrific. Roth knows what his audience wants and he delivers plenty of blood and guts as well as a nod to gore-hounds with a clever cameo from Ruggero Deodato directer of Cannibal Holocaust. Roth gives us all the horror movie staples. There's boobs, bush, peen, decapitations, nose-biting, cannibalism, castration, circular saw to the face, nub-chewing cat, penis-eating dog, head soccer, child killing, bloodbath, grotesque sound effects during scythe killing, and a scythe killing. All this and some social commentary for the nerds.
While the first Hostel may have worked better as a straight horror film the sequel puts us in the position of caring about a villain. Hostel played upon our fear of the other while Hostel part 2 exposes those fears as ourselves.
Grade: A-
Check out the original posts:
This Coleslaw Archives: The Tripper (2007) by Tucker
The following review is from Tucker's old blog This Coleslaw Makes Me Sick. In an attempt to simplify their web presence, Tucker, Jeff and other contributor's writings will be periodically transferred to the If We Made It Podcast blog. Of course the old blog still exists, but Tucker never looks at it and neither does anyone else.
The Tripper (2007)
Lovingly observed by Tucker
The first section of the movie plays with the tensions between the Reagan/Bushies and the hippies in generally amusing ways. The fun kicks off with a flashback of the killer watching his logger father arrested after trying to remove some hippie tree-huggers from his work area where all he wanted was to make a few dollars to pay for his dying wife's medication. The kid goes a little loopy and chainsaws the hippie. Of course this is followed with a short history lesson on Reagan and his policies as governor of California regarding environmentalist (you've seen one Red Wood you've seen 'em all) and the mentally ill. He cut funding for psychiatric hospitals resulting in hundreds of mentally disturbed people being turned loose. Our killer is one of those hundreds. Why Reagan's policies weren't horrific enough for a movie without a killer in a mask I can't tell you, but the movie kept rolling.
The kids we follow to the concert have their own run-ins on the way to the show. When they stop the van Lukas Haas gets out to pee and is hit in the head with a bottle by a bunch of rednecks in a pick-up--one of them David Arquette. They deal with more loyal Bushies at a backwoods gas station/diner, who then multiply when Arquette and his fellow bottle-throwers show up. And finally, one of the girls in the van is just getting out of an abusive relationship with right-winger Balthazar Getty. That's fun to say.
The best thing about this film is that neither Republicans nor hippies are spared. Neither are shown in a flattering light and if Arquette's intention was to make one of the groups likable, he is a miserable failure. Two of the most disgusting groups of people in the country, if not the planet. I think the mafia is more tolerable than hippies and I like them more than Republicans.
The movie is populated by crazy townsfolk and stoned hippies which makes for a pretty entertaining horror film. Since you want almost everyone dead you can sit back and enjoy without getting too involved. That's not necessarily a good thing. There is no one really to pull for here and the only truly likable people in the movie are Officer Buzz Hall and Frank Baker played hilariously by Thomas Jayne and Paul Reubens. But even these characters aren't likable, they're just funny. So we're left not being very invested, but I also can't remember the last time that criteria actually applied to a slasher film. So, I liked the movie.
The film has dog attacks, decapitation, evisceration, stabbings, axe murders, boobs, bush (not the president), peen, bum, someone gets cut in half with a chainsaw, fat kid's leg gets cut off, a drum circle gets slaughtered with an axe, Jason Mewes' hand gets cut off! I think there are at least two reasons to see this movie listed there. It's not quite as bloody or gory as it should be, but I have pretty high standards when it comes to that. In short, if you like slasher movies you should see this because it is one. Don't watch the credits however, or you will be woe to find out that no hippies or Republicans were harmed during the making of this film, which is just sad. If they had been hurt I could officially call myself a David Arquette fan. Although I must say, he is growing on me.
Grade: B-
Check this review out at its original home: The Tripper
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