Episode 127 - The Sword and the Sorcerer/Three Kings

 Episode 127

The Sword and the Sorcerer

Three Kings

Cral convinces the guys to watch Sword and the Sorcerer, then O. Russell-fest continues with a discussion of Three Kings. Plus, Eli saw Noah and Mom saw A River Runs Through It!

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Eli Just Got Out of the Theatre

Mom's Review

Episode 126 - The Baby/Rites of Spring/Flirting With Disaster

Episode 126

The Baby

Rites of Spring

Flirting With Disaster

This week we talk about the 1973 grown man in diapers epic, The Baby. Then, we saw the horror/thriller, Rites of Spring. And O. Russell-fest continues with a discussion of Flirting with Disaster. Plus, Mom reviews Philomena.

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Episode 125 - Child's Play 3/Spanking the Monkey

Episode 125

Child's Play 3

Spanking the Monkey

This week Jeff and Tucker return to talk another Chucky movie, Child's Play 3. Then, they begin David O. Russell fest with a discussion of his first film, Spanking the Monkey. Plus, Thomas sheds a tear remembering Morphine in T. Paul's Soundtrack Corner. And Ed Kildow from Five Things Podcast stops by Merrill Street Studios. 

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Episode 124 - Ghostbusters/National Lampoon's Vacation/Top Five Gilliam Scenes

Episode 124

Ghostbusters

National Lampoon's Vacation

Top Five Terry Gilliam Scenes

We pay tribute to Harold Ramis with a discussion of Ghostbusters and National Lampoon's Vacation. Then, we cap off our Gilliam fest with our top five Terry Gilliam scenes. Plus, Jeff and Tucker discuss the Oscars in What We Been Watchin', and Mom reviews 

As Good As It Gets.

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Top Five Gilliam Scenes

I bet Tucker loved this getup.

Mom reviews As Good As It Gets

This Coleslaw Archive: John Carpenter's Vampires



Movie Review: John Carpenter's Vampires (1998)
By Tucker Battrell

John Carpenter was a major player in creating the modern horror film. His fans are many and passionate, and not without merit. Carpenter is responsible for some touchstone films that will continue to inspire gorehounds for generations. Films such as Halloween and The Thing are still finding fans today, and many of his other films enjoy strong cult followings. While these films continue to maintain Carpenter's reputation, it is hard to argue that his movies have gone into a bit of a slump. I don't think any of his films are in any way unwatchable or even bad, it's just that some of them aren't as good as others, and that is where I would have to put Vampires.
Vampires stars uber-cool James Woods as Jack Crow, an old-fashioned badass that would be comfortable in an eighties action movie, but feels a little outdated here. Crow was raised by priests in the Catholic church after his parents were bitten by vampires. He was trained to be the ultimate vampire slayer. Crow and his crew find nests and kill blood-suckers by shooting them with a crossbow which has arrows attached to a winch that pulls the vampire into the sunlight where they catch fire. That's pretty cool. Then they meet the king-shit vampire and they have to stop him.
This is not among Carpenter's best, but it is a lot of fun. Woods chews the scenery, snarling and spitting every line. He also asks a priest if Crow's kicking him gave him wood, so he's okay in my book. He wears shades, a leather jacket and scowls when he's not laughing at some badass line he just delivered. James Woods is out of his mind in this film, but the bat shit crazy award goes to Daniel Baldwin as Crow's partner who is infected after Laura Palmer bites him. Seeing these two behave with such incredible machismo is something to be seen. And Vampires delivers some great gore to boot.

It may not be Bergman, or even Big Trouble in Little China, but Vampires is a fun horror/action hybrid that is a John Carpenter movie through and through. I recommend anyone interested in boobs, Laura Palmer's butt, a priest decapitation, things catching fire, or a few buckets of blood to watch this movie, because it has those things plus James Woods doing a gratuitous roll and stabbing a vampire with a stake while screaming "Die, fucker!". And I don't think anyone else exists.

Grade: C
Entertainment Value: B

This Coleslaw Archives: Mrak! reviews A Shot in the Dark



Movie Review: A Shot in the Dark (1964)
by Mrak!

Peter Sellers plays Inspector Jacques Clouseau in this first and arguably best sequel to The Pink Panther, although there's plenty to be said about the others. The filmmakers made the likable mistake of not including the words "Pink Panther" in this title, so some people don't even realize this movie exists, which is a shame because it's in this film that the character of Clouseau is the funniest and most fresh.
The movie opens with a fun, gimmicky single-take sequence in which we watch through the windows as a mansion full of privileged deviants skirt from one room to another, narrowly missing each other as they conspire to commit indiscretions of all kinds. The sequence ends, of course, with a shot in the dark. Enter Clouseau (alright!). From the first moment you see him, you can sense how funny this movie is about to be, and all he does is ride in his car to the crime scene and narrow his eyes slyly, as if preparing himself for what he believes will be a battle of wits (though of course he has none).
A murder has been committed by someone in the mansion, and Clouseau spends the movie piecing together a completely nonsense version of events, making wild assumptions that bewilder everybody including his reasonably competent colleagues, all the while tormenting Commissioner Dreyfus (Herbert Lom) with his own epic incompetence and trying to get laid by the sexy, naive young temptress, who, if you look at the evidence, is obviously the murderer.
I'm not sure how many murders take place, but there are quite a few, and by the end of the movie, with nearly everyone a suspect in one murder or another, there is a serious mess of events to clean up. But this movie doesn't even try, which is one of the many things that makes it great. Instead, we get one of the best mystery resolutions ever in which Clouseau's hair-brained plot to catch the murderer(s) goes awry and the film ends in an oddly violent, but very funny and satisfying way.
So much hysterical stuff happens in this film, and most of it, for me, comes from Sellers' superb, casual characterization and his ability to sell the littlest jokes and turn them into belly laughs. The way Clouseau accidentally sucks ink from his pen or can't get rid of his hat... his silly accent that causes him to mispronounce simple words... his militant confidence... and of course his incredible lack of awareness and coordination. Sellers' Clouseau set the bar for all future characters of similar ilk, and he's at his best in A Shot in the Dark.

Grade: A
Entertainment Value: A+

This Coleslaw Archives: Welcome to the Jungle (2007)



Movie Review: Welcome to the Jungle (2007)
By Tucker Battrell

Two young couples embark on an ill-advised expedition into the jungles of New Guinea after they hear tell of a seventy year old white man sighting. They believe this is the long lost Michael Rockefeller, son to Nelson Rockefeller who disappeared over forty years ago and some speculate is still alive. Unfortunately for these treasure seekers all that awaits them in the jungle are blood-thirsty cannibals.
Welcome to the Jungle springs from a string of films made in the seventies and early eighties featuring tribes of cannibals attacking intruders and eating their flesh. These films have recently been enjoying their cult status with several being released on DVD and the granddaddy of them all Cannibal Holocaust (1980) released uncut on DVD and toured around the country on the big screen. All of these films, and Holocaust especially, gained notoriety and underground popularity due to their cheap look which gave some of the better ones a documentary realism, and more importantly these movies were loved for their sometimes shocking and repulsive gore. This film is hoping to find itself in the company of these films, but unfortunately it's not in the same league as Cannibal Holocaust.
The film is shot in first person on two video cameras. This mock documentary style is directly lifted from Holocaust although the delivery seems heavily influenced by The Blair Witch Project (1999). The characters are unlikable, and almost all of their actions are completely infuriating and irrational. I wanted the cannibals to eat them to shut them up. The problem with this movie is that none of the scenes leading up to their deaths are either interesting or believable. If I believe these are real people actually having these conversations I can invest in them and not spend the entire running time wondering when the cannibals are going to show up. There is much prelude to the actual show and none of it amounts to anything. The search for Rockefeller is obviously just a reason to get these characters into the jungle to be eaten and it is not interesting enough to distract the audience from what it knows is coming.
When the cannibals do finally appear, I must admit there were a few moments where I felt uneasy and a little worried. The first few silent appearances of the natives are unsettling and it made me wish the whole movie had been that effective. As far as the gore goes, it had its moments, but is nowhere near as startling as its predecessors in the cannibal genre. There is a major gory set piece that was so blatantly inspired by Cannibal Holocaust that it wasn't even surprising. This film spends so much energy aping other films that it doesn't find time to be its own. There is nothing original here, nothing shocking, nothing powerful or disturbing. That of course does not mean that I didn't enjoy it. I was entertained. Not extremely entertained, but it passed the time and there were a few moments that caught my eye, so it wasn't a complete waste. But if I ever want to watch a cannibal movie I won't be reaching for this one.

Grade: D+
Entertainment Value: C

This Coleslaw Archives: Amityville II: The Possession



Movie Review: Amityville II: The Possession (1982)
By Tucker Battrell

The original Amityville Horror starring James Brolin and Margot Kidder was a faithful, if lackluster depiction of the famous haunted house that terrorized the Lutz family for twenty-eight days until they abruptly abandoned the joint along with all their belongings. To some, this is one of the most terrifying ghost stories ever recorded, to others it's a load of malarkey. I was always of the school of thought that the real-life horror story that took place in the house before the Lutz family moved in, was by far more terrifying than any supernatural mumbo-jumbo.
As his mother, father and siblings slept, Ronald Defeo Jr. loaded his shotgun and brutally murdered every last one of them. He claimed a spirit in the house possessed him and made him kill his family. I don't know about all that demonic possession garbage, but the murders are scary enough without any help from ghosts. Amityville II: The Possession sets out to tell this story and claims no relation to the first film even though it is called Amityville II, so we know how sincere this attempt will be to tell the real story of this tragedy.
Hailed by the fat drummer from metal band Necrophagia some sort of second coming of terror, I was incredibly excited to see this horrifying movie. That guy from Necrophagia is kind of stupid. Not Anselmo stupid, but stupid. Okay, so it really has no basis in reality and bears only a superficial resemblance to the crimes. I can forgive all that. What bothers me is the complete lack of horror produced. That having been said, Amityville II: The Possession is pretty unintentionally funny.
The comedy starts in the first ten minutes an actress, given the role of a lifetime as Burt Young's wife, turns on the faucet in the kitchen of her new dream house. Instead of water, thick red blood pours out into the sink. She screams (reasonable). The blood slowly thins to water. She's relieved (not so much). I guess if blood stops coming out of the water pipes it's cool that it happened in the first place. And, thankfully, her reactions continue to amuse.
Amityville II's greatest weakness is that it takes no time to ease into its scares. There is no reason for us to be scared when there has been no example of not being scared. The family moves in and within the first twenty minutes of the film, the house is going crazy, and the family is at each other's throats. This lack of patience sweeps the leg of the movie's intention, and turns screams of horror into screams of laughter.
It is a stupid movie. I guess that's all I'm really trying to say. It's a stupid story told in a stupid, clunky way. It's almost as stupid as that goddamn drummer from Necrophagia, who in turn is almost as stupid as Phil Anselmo, and that is why I liked this movie. But I didn't love it. And it's not scary. For genuine goosebumps get the box set and watch The History Channel documentary; it's terrifying. Okay, maybe I'm being stupid now, but not as stupid as the Amityville Horror remake of 2005, but that's for another time.

Grade: F
Entertainment Value: B

This Coleslaw Archives: Cobra



Movie Review: Cobra (1986)
By Tucker Battrell

In the early 80s Sylvester Stallone was the biggest action star in the world. After the mega-success of Rocky and its first couple of sequels and the birth of his second iconic character John Rambo with the 1982 release of First Blood. Sly was attached to star as a Detroit police officer investigating the murder of his friend on the plush streets of Beverly Hills. It was a fish-out-of-water action/comedy that would produce an iconic character of its own: Axel Foley. Stallone however would not play the part made famous by Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop, but he took the script for that film, which he had re-written for himself, re-worked it based on the novel Fair Game and with that Marion Cobretti was born.
Cobretti, or Cobra, is a one-line-spittin', matchstick-chewin', scumbag-shootin' cop with a love for then President Reagan, and nothing but vitriol for the rules that keep him from shooting jay-walkers. He is Stallone's Dirty Harry. Cobretti is investigating a string of killings by this biker-cult who clang axes together for some unknown reason. I guess it's creepy, or something. Cobra is a renegade cop who butts heads with his superiors and would rather deliver some street justice and not fill out the reports later.
Brigitte Nielson plays a model named Ingrid who is targeted by the cult after witnessing a murder. Cobra and his ever-hungry partner must protect her and hope she can lead them to the killers. Unfortunately they've also been saddled with Stockard Channing's ugly sister who smokes too much, and she's a mole for the cult. So the cult leader (Brian Thompson) and the rest of the crew chase Cobretti and his crew down on their bikes.
This is the greatest movie ever made. From the opening supermarket shoot-out to the stealing the motorcycle evidence finale, there is no regard for reality or believability. This is unbelievably 90 unbelievable minutes of nonstop awesomosity. This movie defies time. Ninety minutes feels like twenty. It is literally so entertaining that it caused the space-time continuum to fold onto its self. I've seen this movie fifty times and each time I am convinced that time folded and I missed the middle hour. It's just that good.
Ineptly directed by the late great George P. Cosmatos, who delivers a great commentary track on the DVD, this movie wastes no time getting into the action and moves amazingly fast. This was accomplished the year prior by Stallone who directed himself in the extended music video Rocky IV which also breaks all known laws of time. This is the epitome of the bad action movie of the 80s. It has everything you could possibly want. There's a disgusting killer with a kick-ass knife, there's a great hero who delivers the decade's greatest one-liners, there's the weaselly rival cop who would be totally right were this real life but it is not, there's the pre-disgusting Nielson who has a photo shoot with Sledge Hammer (David Rasche), a montage, lots of shooting and things blowing up, a great car chase, Sylvester Stallone with a gun in his belt and matchstick in his mouth. I don't know what more you could ask for.

Grade: D
Entertainment Value: A+

This Coleslaw Archive: Cannibals (1980) aka Mondo Cannibale



Movie Review: Cannibals (1980) aka Mondo Cannibale
By Tucker Battrell

There has been a pretty high bar set when it comes to this string of cannibal tribe films. Ruggero Deodato's iconic Cannibal Holocaust will always be the high water mark with its over-the-top gore and actual animal killings. Mondo Cannibale director Jesus Franco says in an interview on the DVD for this film that he thought Cannibal Holocaust was too obviously fake and lingered on the gore too long which made it look all the more counterfeit. This could be a valid criticism if it weren't for Franco's own film. To get things started our hero is on a boat in the jungle where we get some foreboding talk about the journey and then a shot of an immobile, incredibly fake crocodile. It could have been a fake alligator, I'm not sure. I'm not Steve Irwin. That is the scary opening. Our hero is going on an expedition and his wife and young daughter weasel their way onto the boat. I'm still willing to suspend my disbelief at this point, but then a "native" starts climbing up the side of the boat. He seems to be white and appears to be wearing a wedding band. Then another "savage" boards the boat and while he has face paint on, I can still see his mustache. They attack the hero's wife and eat her. This is where I have a problem with Franco's remarks concerning Deodato's film. As soon as the cannibals start eating her, we are treated to long slow motion shots of them ripping apart steak after steak and it goes on and on and on. It doesn't look real. It never feels real. The cannibals don't even look authentic.
The hero escapes after having his arm chopped off and his daughter is kidnapped by the tribe and worshipped as the "White Goddess". Apparently our hero has amnesia and a gigantic fake arm stump, and after many years gets his memory back in a flash and realizes that he must go back and look for his daughter because he believes she may still be alive. That's really all there is to it. It's a terrible movie with a hilarious lead performance by Al Cliver as the one-armed hero. The only way I can sum up the feel of this is to say that it seems like a home movie some kids made in junior high. The jungle doesn't even look authentic. It looks like a park or something. A palm tree grove perhaps. This one may be better for laughs, but if you want to see a disturbing, realistic cannibal movie (and who doesn't?) then seek out Deodato's classic Cannibal Holocaust.

Grade: F
Entertainment Value: C+

This Coleslaw Archive: Snuff (1976)



Movie Review: Snuff (1976)
By Tucker Battrell

Snuff was sold with the gimmick that it actually contained a real snuff film at the end of the picture. Intriguing gimmick to gore-hounds, but admittedly pretty hard to believe from the outset. The film follows a Manson-like cult lead by man named Satan (pronounced Sutawn) who has four or five hippie girls with knives do his bidding. We get a good sense of his leadership style straight away when one of the girls is hording drugs and the others catch her. She is told she must "feel the pain and not flinch from it". He's a real charmer. So, they hold her down and rub a knife between her toes smearing bright orange blood all over her foot while she moans in agony(?). Enter Terry London, beautiful Hollywood starlet just visiting the country to make a film. Her director is in love with her and she has a boyfriend on the side. This would all be very boring if it weren't so terribly acted and dubbed. The director claims she'll do anything he asks her to because she is under contract, including nudity and standing on her head, but she assures us she will not stand on her head for him. The girl has values and she will not violate them. She also at one point picks up a ringing phone, asks for someone and gets them! She's magical.
So, the whole film is basically "Sutawn" and his girls killing people in unimpressive ways. Like so many gore films the dialogue is so much more entertaining than the kills. There's a flashback of one of the girls to when she was raped by an older man. Since this takes place off camera and the performance of the woman providing the dubbing is so ridiculous it manages to deliver what may be the funniest rape scene ever. So it culminates in the killing of the actress who is now pregnant and it's meant to remind us of the Sharon Tate murder, and it does, I guess. This is the point in the film we've all been waiting for. At the end of this scene, the film shifts to what is supposed to be a real snuff film.
The transition and delivery of this scene is so sloppy and unconvincing it's hard to imagine the filmmakers were actually trying to fool anyone. During the Sharon Tate killing we hear a "cut!" and there's a cut to a film crew shooting the scene. The director of the film we've been watching then proceeds to lure one of the actresses to make out with him and he and the crew kill her. Of course there are shots of the camera crew and it's edited and completely phony even if you don't consider the unconvincing gore. It was a good gimmick, however, and now it's on DVD where more of us can see it. It is pure garbage, but quite hilarious garbage. There's quite a few boobs, toe-cutting, multiple stabbings, finger-cutting, evisceration and a stabbing cross-cut with an woman having an orgasm. If that's not enough to tempt you consider a scene where "Sutawn" hilariously jumps up on a picnic table and tells a girl to "submit to me and pain" and then two other girls kiss. That oughta do it.

Grade: F
Entertainment Value: B-

This Coleslaw Archives: Tomboy (1985)



  Movie Review: Tomboy (1985)

By Tucker Battrell

Most would describe movies like Working Girl, G.I. Jane, Thelma & Louise, Steel Magnolias, Beaches and many others as "chick flicks" because they appeal to women and they suck (except Thelma & Louise). Tomboy is not included in this list because it's filled with breasts and is driven by the male desire to see them. Unfortunately this film follows what is one of the stronger female characters to ever grace the screen. Who cares that she was completely artificial and a male fantasy? That's more than I can say for Beaches (except it was completely artificial).
Tommi (Betsy Russell) is a girl. She likes to play sports, ride a motorcycle and works as the best damn mechanic in town. Her friend Seville (Kristi Somers) is a fame-seeking whore who advises Tommi to get a boyfriend because she can't do this boy stuff forever. So Tommi meets and eventually 80s montages her way into the heart of hunky stock car driver Randy Starr (Gerard Christopher). Happily ever after? Not quite, but there's really not much more to it. They have a lover's quarrel and end up racing each other, but that's the most conflict you're going to see.
Along the way Tommi and Seville are chased by a couple of leather jacket-wearing would-be rapists who thoughtfully comment that Tommi's tits are "like the guns of the Navarone". So, that was pretty cool. Tomboy is a fun, trashy eighties movie that doesn't quite reach true classic status, but it's a fun way to waste ninety minutes if you enjoy that sort of thing, or get nostalgic for boners past. There's quite a few boobs (including Tommi's boyfriend) and a car race. Beat that Steel Magnolias!

Grade: F

Entertainment Value: B